When ‘I’m Fine’ Means Anything But Fine

Have you ever felt like someone is saying something to you, but the person’s tone, actions and body language say something different? Then you realise that it’s a pattern with the person; they seem to be saying something and meaning something else. Sometimes it can be that they commend your performance to you but tell your boss or others that you stress them out, or your performance is poor or generally the opposite.

Passive aggression can be described as a very indirect way of communicating, giving you room to interpret a piece of information as best you possibly can- ineffective communication.

Why individuals resort to workplace violence

The reality is that identifying and dealing with passive aggression in the workplace is really difficult. The work environment does not really permit you to “lose your cool” as you would, say on the road when someone cuts right in front of you without utilising their indicator lights. I imagine at this point you can shower them with all the insults you ever learned in primary and secondary school. This does not apply at work; everything must be handled with utmost professionalism and decorum. Well, the popular saying is “when in Rome, behave like the Romans”. If you decide to transfer your road rage from the road to the office, you open yourself to serious disciplinary actions or, in extreme cases, lawsuits, because showering insults on a person at work would be considered bullying, harassment or some sort of workplace violence.

Passive-aggressive behaviour comes from a place of fear; people are passive-aggressive because they feel threatened, wronged or offended, and instead of lashing out, for fear of repercussions, they turn to passive aggression. This way, you cannot complain that they have been violent, because there is no evidence.

How to identify passive-aggressive behaviour at work

Passive-aggressive behaviour is not always easy to recognise because it rarely announces itself. It often appears in small, seemingly harmless interactions that become noticeable only when they form a pattern. Someone may agree with you in a meeting, for example, but later undermine the decision through side conversations. Another person may use sarcasm to express dissatisfaction, then dismiss the comment with, “I was only joking.” Someone who is unhappy may also withdraw from conversations, withhold information, become unusually uncooperative, or communicate their frustration indirectly.

The important distinction is between an isolated incident and a recurring pattern. People can have bad days, communicate poorly, or respond defensively to difficult situations. That alone does not necessarily make their behaviour passive aggressive. The concern arises when indirect communication becomes a consistent way of expressing disagreement, frustration or resentment.

Some patterns are particularly worth paying attention to. Persistent sarcasm, deliberate silence following disagreements, indirect or disparaging remarks, rumours and office gossip can all signal unresolved tension. So can repeated excuses, a tendency to focus on other people’s shortcomings while overlooking their achievements, or a pattern of agreeing to commitments but failing to follow through.

None of these behaviours should be interpreted in isolation. The better question is: What pattern are we seeing, and what is it doing to the working relationship?

That shift matters because the goal is not to label people. It is to recognise unhealthy patterns early enough to address them before they become normalised.

Dealing with passive aggressive behaviour at work

Once passive aggressive behaviour becomes a pattern, responding with more passive aggression rarely solves the problem. In fact, it can create a cycle where frustration is expressed indirectly, trust declines, and people begin responding in kind. Over time, what started as an interpersonal issue can become part of the wider workplace culture.

A better starting point is to resist the temptation to react immediately. Pay attention to what has actually happened, identify the recurring behaviour, and separate the facts from your interpretation of them. When you have a clear example, address the issue directly and privately rather than allowing frustration to build or discussing the person with everyone else.

The conversation itself matters. Instead of beginning with an accusation, describe what you have observed and explain its impact. You might say,

“I noticed that you agreed with the decision in the meeting, but later raised concerns with others rather than bringing them back to the group. Is there something about the decision that you would like us to discuss?”

This creates an opportunity for the person to explain what is happening beneath the behaviour. They may feel unheard, excluded, frustrated or uncomfortable expressing disagreement openly. Understanding the reason does not excuse inappropriate behaviour, but it can help address the underlying issue rather than simply treating the symptom.

Your own response is equally important. If the conversation becomes emotional, remain measured and focus on the issue rather than the person’s character. Where necessary, encourage more constructive ways of raising concerns, such as having a direct conversation, using established communication channels, or involving Human Resources when the behaviour persists or begins affecting others.

Ultimately, the strongest prevention is a workplace where people can disagree without feeling that disagreement will be punished. Open communication, genuine listening, receptiveness to criticism and regular attention to workplace culture make it easier for concerns to be expressed directly rather than through indirect behaviour.

Final thought

Healthy workplaces do not eliminate disagreement; they create enough trust for people to express it openly, respectfully and directly before frustration becomes a pattern.